coiled_metal: (TheTick)
[personal profile] coiled_metal
It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Double Fister, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling really exasperated, Double Fister grabbed a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved Lube was missing! Immediately he called his former lay, Elbow Deep. Double Fister had known Elbow Deep for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Elbow Deep was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... insensitive. Double Fister called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Elbow Deep picked up to a very glad Double Fister. Elbow Deep calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks sigh before mating, yet venomous koalas usually charismatically turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Double Fister. Why was Elbow Deep trying to distract Double Fister? Because he had snuck out from Double Fister's with the Lube only five days prior. It was a enchanting little Lube... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Double Fister got back to the subject at hand: his Lube. Elbow Deep grimaced. Relunctantly, Elbow Deep invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Lube. Double Fister grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Elbow Deep realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Lube and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Double Fister took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, he had take at least six minutes before Double Fister would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Elbow Deep would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Elbow Deep was interrupted by ten clueless honey badgers that were lured by his Lube. Elbow Deep sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he aimlessly reached for his wolverine and carefully attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was Double Fister.


As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Double Fister was out of the Segway and went wildly jaunting toward Elbow Deep's front door. Meanwhile inside, Elbow Deep was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Lube into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Elbow Deep was concerned but at least the Lube was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Elbow Deep wildly purred. With a quick push, Double Fister opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying spite-toting jerk in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Elbow Deep assured him. Double Fister took a seat hilariously close to where Elbow Deep had hidden the Lube. Elbow Deep belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Double Fister was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Elbow Deep noticed a pestering look on Double Fister's face. Double Fister slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Elbow Deep felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Double Fister asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Lube right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Double Fister's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Double Fister nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Elbow Deep could react, Double Fister randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Lube was plainly in view.

Double Fister stared at Elbow Deep for what what must've been eight hours. Giggling like schoolgirl, Elbow Deep groped exotically in Double Fister's direction, clearly desperate. Double Fister grabbed the Lube and bolted for the door. It was locked. Elbow Deep let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Double Fister,' he rebuked. Elbow Deep always had been a little selfish, so Double Fister knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Elbow Deep did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his Lube tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Elbow Deep looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Double Fister. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Double Fister. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Elbow Deep walked over to the window and looked down. Double Fister was gone.


Just yonder, Double Fister was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Elbow Deep's place. Double Fister had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral honey badgers suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Lube. One by one they latched on to Double Fister. Already weakened from his injury, Double Fister yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of honey badgers running off with his Lube.

About nine hours later, Double Fister awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Double Fister did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited fanstic pumpkin patch, Double Fister was really lost. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he remembered that his Lube was taken by the honey badgers. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen honey badger emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha honey badger. Double Fister opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the honey badger sunk its teeth into Double Fister's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Double Fister's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than four miles away, Elbow Deep was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Lube. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ninja star. With a calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into his fingernail. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Double Fister... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Lube that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant honey badgers, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.


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